POLIW.AT

What Is in My Heart

2019-08-24 19:27:43 -0700 -0700

Old interview video I made for a remote programming job…

I got it but it was only 400 a month for 20+ hours a week so I had to decline! Sent them this wild video for ‘extra credit’.

sat 733pm

been writing in other places.

but tonight is the night I’ll write here.

I’m livid. I’m beyond livid. I’m so angry at everyone yet just realized only angry with myself

at least bonnie had a successful birth today, and I hope they name the child Nika. Then it would be Nika and Mila. And it makes me think fondly of my friend Nika.

SO I don’t know if you noticed in the first 5 episodes but I have some mental disorders, and haven’t released in a while so this episode is a very special journey. We are going to help solve my mental issues throughout the course of this episode, so that future episodes can be more that classic paleblue.fm format that we all love and get spine shivers from.

But that’s not this

Let’s start this episode with a prayer.

So the following is an open dialogue to God. I’m 27

Dear God, as you may better than me what I don’t have, including but not limited to: What I don’t have

I don’t have: health insurance a job a stable mental state

I have: 50+k in debts, including but not limited to: a maxed out credit card
defaulted on student loans
2 grand to parents and thousands to various friends

I have a dream

my dad has stage four melanoma and is declining noticably each day.

I don’t have the means to help because I hate money

through my art I’ve seen too much and I want to see more but have become stuck

and I’m going to own up to it

it’s my doing

if someone is at fault, it is I

It’s my fault I think satan invented the word of God

it’s my fault I hate money

it’s my fault I release all my art and work for free including methodologies

it’s my fault I’m in so much debt

it’s my fault my mouth has gotten me into so much trouble

it’s my fault I don’t trust anything in the news

it’s my fault I think working for retirement is crazy

it’s my fault I eat the same cancerous materials that gave my dad cancer

it’s my fault I haven’t been releasing episodes

it’s my fault these 30 songs I wrote haven’t been released

it’s my fault I have depression, a manic tempurament, paranoid, and brief periods of Psychosis

it’s my fault I think it’s hard to find someone thinking clearly

it’s my fault I hate banks

it’s my fault I hate fast food chains

it’s my fault I despise shopping

it’s my fault I believe neverland exists

it’s my doing

it’s all my doing

all of this

and I need to take responsibility for it

this is officially an apology God,

I’m sorry for hurting so many people

I’m sorry that alcohol tastes like water to me

I’m sorry I work all the time and have nothing but sound

and video and words to give from it

I’m soprry I hate money

I’m sorry its my dream to create mass media

it’s my fault that mass media is controlled by 6 for profit corporations

at least it seems like I hurt them

because we haven’t spoken in so long

and this is how low a human being can go sometimes,

but there is hope

because I’m speaking right now

on the next episode of paleblue.fm

and we are going to change the format a little bit

as I climb out of this hole

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2006

20 yaht six

what do I keep writig

when I’m out of words

cause if most media is owned by 6 people

for profit

the world reflects that

why aren’t there any media conglomorates

that produce all media as

ad free nonprofit for the people?

that’s my real question

I don’t understand
that leads me to another unpopular belief

I find it absurd to sell music

you can have all my music always free

just don’t go and sell it or slightly alter it and sell it idk

It’s my fault I’m stubborn about my beliefs

it’s my fault my dad’s dying of cancer and I don’t have money to make him more comfortable

it’s my fault I hate money

it’s my fault I think I was born in the wrong time

it’s my fault I see guns on my head everyday whenever I close my eyes

It’s my fault I don’t want to die

it’s my fault I’ll never kill myself

it’s my fault I find it absurd to sell music

to sell art at all

you should just gift artists

and no sale is about it

but call me a purist

it’s my fault that the invention of the word of God sounds like Satan’s work

its my fault

and I’ll own up to it

it’s my fault I haven’t finished my book

it’s my fault I might’ve lost it in the first place

it’s all just simply, my fault

it’s my fault that my religion

my religion summed up in 1 sentence

is more women in power

it’s my fault I think corporations should only last as long as the lifespan of the founder

it’s my fault that I believe everyone in America that is smart should take advantage of the credit system, incur as much debt as possible by purchasing equipment (link here) that brings them the power to produce their own food and tools, and to focus on their local community

it’s my fault that I believe we need to bring manufacturing to the household in America instead of overseas

it’s my fault I don’t like ‘free’ Americans being treated like cattle

it’s my fault I don’t like that other’s gain from someone eating poisonous food, other’s gain from medication for coping with the poisonous lifestyle, and then again gaining for the cancer and other treatments all at a premium. It’s my fault that that sounds worse than being treated like cattle. I’d rather be treated like cattle!

and building militias that help with that

It’s my fault I believe I’m the exception

that someone will just magically save me one day

is it a disney on vhs upbringing that brought me there ?

some west coast cal

it’s my fault that over 90% of the media on Earth is owned by 6 individuals, and occurs mostly for profit.

it’s my fault that my dream is to produce media for the people

it’s all my fault !

and God I can’t stand it anymore!

what do I do!

I have 5 episodes of a podcast done

charlotte said it’s the best she’s heard in 5 years at Stanford

its all for you

all my work

is

at the end of the day for you

and I know you’ll take care of me

cause we’ve spoken twice

and call me schizophrenic

I don’t care

I made a new genre of music

called schizop

and you gottta pay a price for making something good

so even before my first schizop album is released

I thank you God

cause I love doing it

and I’m going to keep going

and you’re going to take my dad

and it looks like there’s nothing I can do at this point

except spend as much time as I can with him

and you gave my dad cancer

becuase you made this world

and you will take me too

and I still love you

I love you more than I love myself

and so I pray

I’m not even asking for anything

this is just a status report!

I’ll keep making for you

and you find ways to keep me alive

it’s during these times of deep need

morale is a joke to me

I don’t need it

I know you m

and I know although I’ll probably die in a ditch

I loved you and my work loves you

the whole time

so don’t even help me

I’m glued to the floor

I’m not as strong as I thought I was

but these prayers help

cause I haven’t told anyone but you

already know

God you don’t like requests

like a great DJ

great DJs know what to play

thats most of the work

what vibes to give off

and although you challenge me

beyond my capacity

and I’m beyond repair

my life’s dream

my life’s work

my goals

my destiny

is in tact

and although my body will give up first

my mind will give up second

my spirit never considered it

is my relationship to you

and they say I forget who they is but ‘they’ say

a faith without trial is a dead faith

and I blindly know you’re with me

don’t need faith

yet it’s not dead

just perfected

throw me in front of a firing squad

and I’ll say the same

not that I want to die

it’s just this pressure in my head

forces visualizations of guns on my head

on the daily and that was part of the cost

of making something so perfect

as poliw.at

I love you god

I love you more than I love myself

I love you God!

and even though this is my lowest low

I already know

the next will be harder

and so in my current state

of a lowest low

I thank you God

I love you

and I work for you

let’s make the world a better place together

embrace the shadow just to leverage it

all of us have shadows in us

it’s not in a singular profession or race

all of us bath in shadows

from time to time mate

that we know

and I don’t believe in you

so thank you

and now we can continue my secular podcast

and that’s what it is!

the podcast has been completely secular up to this point

maybe some tape of some religious people

but not me

and I don’t want to push any religious agenda

I really stick to my guns

when it comes to religious freedom

worship fire hydrants if you like yellow so much!

I mean it’s funny

you shouldn’t judge

and I have a fatalist approach to my relationship with God

cause personally

I can’t not see him

even in the most vile acts

and the whole ‘worshipping of incorrect dieties’

that’s Satan’s most pleb shit he ever came up with

that I know

cause God talked to me twice

and my girlfriend’s agnostic

and I don’t mind!!!

that’s the thing

it doesn’t matter what you believe

it’s only the actions that are good evidence

if you’re good in the end

and that’s why my work is focused on human centric thought

cause we all have many many thoughts

and hh is how we control our thoughts

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his side of the family hthey all give up

my mom said

so I’ll make sure

I never give up

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