just getting up for some reason | today I’m money mic || and today I’ll add all the hands shits finally I swear || going to jog to coffee ||
best jog best view so much fun lotta KL ++ VS
NORF NORF \
asd safWaye WholeFoods made sandwhiches now its MONEY MIC DAY
||| this dope dude michael sent me his album and he’s giving me 50 bucks to make a vizzy ||
poliw.at is going completely mobile on the vest with the suitcase LOL
with the vocal pedal too on there I supose and just a bunch of iPods? def piSound
i master my time
it that time of the month Xx7 (crescnedo on each iteration) that end of the month you know what it is can't pay rent but I could made your pussy wet 2 girls 2 places later I still freestyling bout hhow I thinking SHES A 5TH GENERATION ATHEIST SO I AINT GOING NO WHERE
The first time I Michael is at Cameron’s house, where we all meet for the table read. He is 2 hours late and only makes it for the last scene and jack is furious.
He looks fucked up in a way, I think he’s already drunk and something else. But also something attractive. I’d never really noticed before. In a sun tanned, ocean worn druggy way. He sits next to me and I feel strangely at ease. But he’s got an odd look in his eye. Maybe I do too. Nothing he’s saying makes any sense.
‘So what has changed for you in the last five years?’ He asks me.
‘Um I dont know,’ I say.
‘Whats the most important thing in your life?’
‘Umm I don’t know man I can’t answer this right now.’ I don’t know why I say man. I’m trying to fit in.
He spouts some stuff about acid and dosing and living in every way until 27 when he will probably die. His brain seems scrambled so it seems more acceptable to just say anything. And I’m almost drunk by now anyway.
‘Ok, love I guess.’
‘Love?’ He makes a weird face.
I go red instantly. I guess love is the most important thing in my life. I say and then regret it immediately. It sounds wrong and fake in my voice. I don’t know if I believe what I’m saying. I don’t know why I said love. Maybe becasue he’s wearing a banadana. But No I do believe it. I love love. I’ve always loved love. Maybe I’m just not sure I’m deeply in love and saying love reminds me of that. Ah, ok, he says. And smiles. Is he laughing at me?
Fred says: I need to read books. But i read a book and all i wanna do is remix it! Its not going to happen Fred, I say, Said he could only concentrate on his lines when he wasn’t looking at me - does that mean he loves me? Do i love him? hahaha
Im still confusing the twins Feel like two people wrestling in my head - the good and the bad The bad is pinning down the good, making it look dull, and pathetic, squeezing it of its life and meaning.
Sleepy Time Tea
Do you ever have those days where you feel like everyone hates you? The girl says. For me, its not days, the other girl says. It happens everyday. Usually when I’m walking down the street I will suddenly be struck with shame about some insignificant thing. Thats just how it is for me. Happens a couple times a day. I think for me, I have one of those personalities that people just don’t get along with. People are a certain way with me. Yeah. I’m not for everyone. That’s just the way it is. Im lying on the grass on the Berkeley knoll trying to write this story that I’ve had open on my computer for weeks. I can’t write it. Every time I try my brain feels pained and squeezed. Instead I listen to annoying strangers, or lie down with the sun on my face or read a few paragraphs of Anna Karenina and then lie down with the sun on my face again. Half of me hates these two girls. The other half keeps listening and thinks, hey me too! Me me me. I’m always walking down the street hating myself. I’m always thinking maybe I’m not for everyone. But then I think everyone thinks that. And then I feel superior and hate the girls again. ‘Sometimes you talk about yourself like you’re a mean bitter person but you’re pretty nice really,’ the second girl says. ‘I’m don’t think I’m a bad person. Its just part of my humour. It’s a sliding scale.’ ‘I know what you mean. I’m trying to stop dong suicide jokes.’ ‘That’s a good shift to make.’ ‘Yeah. Instead of saying I want to die. I say I need a cup of sleepy time tea.’ They both nod humourlessly for a few moments. ‘We’re just the earth spinning around the sun.’ ‘We kind of are. Human consciousness is just electricity really.’ ‘Apparently crows recognise the faces of people in the same family, across generations. ‘I’m sceptical of a collective human consciousness.’ Im meant to be meeting crazy pants to rehearse but I don’t want to go into the city and he wont come here. Or he says he might, he might, but he never turns up places when he says he will so saying he might is a definite no. I message him the conversation I overheard and I can tell he doesn’t think its funny. I walk around trying to recreate my magical sunset day but it falls bit flat. Jack is rude when he picks me up. He says I should have met micahel. That the whole point of us being here was to reherse and do the play. He’s not a full human yet. Doesn’t know how to lock his feelings up. He’s still the genius ten year old inside. and a little on the outside. He looks like a ten year old driving his junk car full of junk. He can’t drink caffeine as it turns him into a hyper three year old. He only drinks Sleepy Time Tea! But I can’t wake up without tea! I bought a pack of earl grey but then I found a pack of Trader Joe’s breakfast tea in his house mate’s cupboard and had one of those for the last few days. I don’t know why. maybe it’s because his housemates are all awful and walk around the house with their headphones in and don’t even say good evening or good morning. I also just get a rush taking small things people probably wont notice. At Solon road if I’m home alone I’ll do a round an take a small thing from each person’s cupboard just to make the day go by. A walnut, or some peanut butter, or some fancy oil. Its fun because no-one would ever know or care. In fact they would probably find it funny if they could see me sneaking around bored out of my mind riffling through cupboards like its the most interesting exciting thing that’s happened to me all day. That is why, when jack said come be in my play I said yes, please, anything. I was even going to bring my own tea! But then I forgot. And this morning jack made one of his surly tight lemon sucking faces at me because his dead-eyed housemate text him saying that I’d been taking her tea, and that I needed to buy a replacement. ‘It was like three teabags!’ I said. ‘And it’s tea! You’re meant to share tea! It’s tea!’ Jack shrugged and continued looking surly and disappointed. It was such a ugly pathetic face. I wanted to slap him. But I knew that if he did that he’d have no qualms about pushing me on the floor and trying to fight me. I want to tell him to go kill himself. Instead I ask him if he wants a cup of sleepy time tea. He says yes, that would be wonderful and smiles and I smile and it feels great to be doing something nice after thinking about wanting to tell him to go kill himself. Maybe those dumb girls were right. And yes, if I think about it, I, me, am skeptical of a human consciousness too. myself. That’s just how it is for me, me, me, me.
Perro how do monks get rid of erections
There are monks in the play so Jack organised a field trip to a monastery. I thought it was an hour away and it turned out to be three and a half hours away. We practised our lines and then sang a song when we’d finished two scenes. It was fun but Brian was a bit hit and miss with the songs. The Monk said: when I first got here there was one dead monk, now there are 18. I burried all of them. I didn’t kill them though. Crazy pants took half a tap of acid in the car on the way. By the time we got to the monastery, with the hip abbot and the pillars from Rome collected by Hearst, the cleanest most perfect looking gothic pillars I’ve ever seen, he was walking around smiling with his stick recorder and smiling like a special needs child. Smoked cali green walked around the field and went to the river
Perro and crazy pants and jack free styles I told them they were embarrassing themselves
I had cigarettes with cp and he told me some shit about
god - how would u define god? Well first of all theres that bullshit white Jesus crap., and then theres being on the edge of experience and looking into the face of something and that’s god - something about climbing up a tree and being on the edge of life and death, or how someone could be puking in an alley down them selves and having an amazing time, maybe seeing god etc…. Something about finding the experience of something that is beyond you… Bla bra bla I wasn’t really listening or following but was trying to look like I was following while also looking into his eyes and studying his face and fighting the wild surges of desire, while at the same time wondering where these were coming. Surges of blood that made my heart beat really fast and need to hold onto the stoop - kept coming up and I pushed them down and tried to rationalise it in my head, all the million reasons I should not even think about this, and where this has come from and then I’d let myself be taken away with the electric feeling again and say something like yea, language corrupts experience like the idea of a god corrupts the expeirnec of whatever it is…..
And then I smoked weed, and didn’t even try to fight the urge and walked around the field and went to the river and sat in the tree and played - do you trust me? Fall and catch… it was pathetic lol
Eventually in the most roundabout way he went back to his headset desk space, listening to his recording of the abbot and then I went up and then came back down and then took his recorder to use as a torch and then told him I’d tell him a secret and he should come up in 20 mins and get back his recorder…. But then I lay in bed my heart beating like a baby rabbit and didn’t say anything, just breathed into the reording. Imagining all the things or jokes I could say and then not saying them, imaging what we would have on me or put into some fucked up mixtape on day… and then he came up turned all the lights on woke everyone up stepped on josh five times, x found his way over to me , shinned the recorder light in my face a few times I said what are you doing, and the after a whole night of pathetic flirting and jokes and prudish whatever he just says, can I get in, and then we hug and hold and massage each other and sleep and feel up and all that for hours, and it just feels so wierdlty good, maybe because it is forbidden or because it is so bodily and out of my control
In the morning Perro ran over to the bed and jumped on cp and said; Perro how do monks get rid of errections and then started railing him, making the bed squeak. its crazy, crazy pants and makes me feel like a pysco but I have this wild desire rattling around inside me and I just…want him. Perro is a stout pitbull built to the ground,
I put on west coast when we were driving over the golden gate bridge, the sun was in my eyes and I couldn’t see and I felt like a might explode from feelings - I felt like I was being reborn crazy pant dgaf and he was looking at me smiling or luahgging im not sure how much he knew what I was thinking, I think he was looking down on it and finding the whole thing funny. It is hard to know when there is real feeling or what is genuine cus everything is said with this smile. I don’t know., maybe it is this not knowing that is making my edges feel so blurred, maybe I am staring into the face of god and trying to understand or grapple somehting that is as shapeless and as all encomassing and indescirble as the face of god that crazy pants saw when he was crouching in the tree like a gremlin
635pm the best @ NB got discount wood for 7 bucks all the dope people are here and gonna full send on making some vizzys after I finish some comission laser art, just getting the inkscape files ready ||
-=-=-=-=-=- 717pm blockchain meetup with kinnard
ahahah I said I was a crypto noob instead of blockchain noob oh wwell
it might be useful for paleblue TV project -
its a live stream type deal ||
run that shit on that ubuntu machine STAT L O L Always in that shit ||
|| 24 7 starting tomorrow fucking morning || Pale Blu eMetting ||
buy a thing to reduce radiation || make things that reduce radiation ||
sick freestyles amazing day spent money didn’t have MONEY MIC gotta make money to spend money and vice verse
learned so much caught up with demetrius fun stuff || He is my cure for FA I can feel it we just have to make a bunch of tracks together.
like not smoke weed all week then do a session || planning for that shit oif going to be cool || I need to do my comission stuff and nothing else really || inkscape date || then I can do the power bank stuff || and the midi controller || I can at least get the wood done for the controller lol
what is life but solving problems inkscape keeps crashing Im trying to stay focused slow n successful I torstoise defensive position in the alleyway kev had 60 pounds on me don't throw blows that for the dead all good fights hit the ground we hit the ground I grapple every time and demetrius protects his joints in brazillian jujitsu if I can't read and she can't spell we can't question each other's mental health in jujitsu || just jujitsu ||
got fire ass audio and god damn Im learning so much from kevLo