Ill Never Die This Is Why

2019-11-14 22:05:13 -0800 -0800

Writing competition therapy.

Weeks since a timestamp, startx

Chapter 1
Last login: Thu Nov 14 16:53:27 on ttys000
poliwats-MacBook-Pro:~ poliwat$
poliwats-MacBook-Pro:~ poliwat$ cd Dropbox/code/poliw.at
poliwats-MacBook-Pro:poliw.at poliwat$ ls
archetypes	content		docs		layouts		resources	themes
config.toml	data		docs2		public		static
poliwats-MacBook-Pro:poliw.at poliwat$ hugo new song/ill-never-die-this-is-why.md
/Users/poliwat/Dropbox/code/poliw.at/content/song/ill-never-die-this-is-why.md created
poliwats-MacBook-Pro:poliw.at poliwat$ atom .
poliwats-MacBook-Pro:poliw.at poliwat$
The person you loved grows that hole' she said looking up from chocolate vanilla icecream in dad's hammock. She's talking to my mom, dad's oxygen tank came in today, heart vacumn beat in the backround. I'm going to sample it. I have to be quiet, for a while now. I'm a musician but I'm taking care of my dad right now. 3 weeks so far since emergency flying from Chicago so far sleep in his room on an air matress, cooked for him, helped him shit, pee, in and out of bed, walked him in a wheelchair, sang to him,

'I guess I'll go to LA then' helen said from the hammock after the icecream. Is this prose? I thought. 'She's just jealous cause I'm going to write a novel in two weeks'. She said from the hammock. I just told her that, she said the art monster's coming back, we're on a rocky 6 month love spree for few many long winded reasons

'you going to talk to me?' Bella bags begheera the black cat who thinks she's a dog cause she grew up with clemmy's is on her lap swinging.


// when a function is called, write something  

function you(now) {
    var yous = 1;
    for (let i = now; i > 1; i--) {
        return whatever you want like mad libs;
    return blow me;

Chapter 2
To put headphones in or not to put headphones in walking past the shamans on protest for {yourEx}. Ear guages, purist alternative hair, and rebellious shaving that Delta Force gets inspiration from plague the streets. If the plague read 'Genocide copyright laws not lives', 'Internet will not be homogenized', 'She Breaking Glass Ceiling', 'I Index from 0', 'Grasshopper my Grasshopper', 'World my stage', 'Trapt in the Womb', 'Life is a sacred cirle', 'You already know', and 'I am a spliff' all painted blue text over white backround. Lookup an artists rendition of the Earth at the peak of the last ice age. Looks like a { eskimo yamika sized beanie }

Quanty Sham 1:  Michael said chest puffing 19 minute year olds agos said he can't take it anymore

Hammock Shaman(s) 2: Michael followed up with while being addicted to positions 'I can't handle anymore'

Eyeglasse Shamancers: And our 'is this making it better or worse' is ssomething we'd never say

Woke up from the day dream. The shamans were now Crows, I was idk 40 feet up in the biggest redwood in the back left. 'Left handed therefore I'm right' is a lryic from a song written years ago. I can't count now. She's in the hammock so this is before the earbuds, when we HIIIYYAAHHH!!! making sense of those emotions that make no sense. The stages of grief? I freestyled, not biking by the stop n rob though I've never robbed there just real dedicated the vibe it gives off STOP
STOP MICHAEL KEEP GOING went somewhere akin to {} in the lryis

  There now you wrote your own lryics. I{'m writing} this as therapy, for you. No sign of a shaman with that sign. How to communicate, or trusting in the pursuit of communicating all for one? My emotions may be {} if I feel as if what's being communicated is filtered, a direct revolution against our initial 'all for one' for eachother, agreement.
  And another truth is that I'm already deep in the anguish watching my dad swallow less and less by the day, so I may be biting, reminding me of another lyric I I'd prefer not forget. 'stories don't end think of the transitive property friend'.

  And the truth in the heart of the daydream express all the way bottoms up off the rage cage volcano if she texts him updates as if I don't exist. As if they're friends. As if they're taking a break.


Chapter 3
Just helped her out of the hammock. Got her water, lotion, books, sip of beer, cleaned up. She's so sweet and kind these days, latest average of moods are 12 minutes, used to be about 5 hours. I'm an asshole for mentioning both figures, guestimating numbers, and am too blunt with no backing cept this. A crazy white male trying to control his female LIFE PARTNER or a humble man communicating something hard, feeling hurt thinking out loud of why, and nothing has changed? She's going to bed. She'll include me in her life adventures after my dad passes. Last excuse while we were in Chicago was after he gets back home. She says she still loves him, and part of me loves that, and the other part says that's no good you don't know yourself your brain your spirit if this passes as okay. I can be real nice like her but we both got teeth. She's the writer, not me. That's why this is funny payback poor fuck pity not petty way of communicating something that says please help, SOS how can you {} when I {}.

  26 Dawn Chorus and Red Fox.wav        

  'Make sure you have a lot of room here so you don't strangle yourself' mom said to dad over the oxygen heartbeat. Going to save her best quotes for last, best to begin and end on mom's conversations with the ether people. I like it, in fact all three of us got the same on the personality test my mom passed helen and helen passed me. Negotiator Philosopher and Explorer what they're called. Didn't look enough at she barely read the results and instead interpretted them real well. She said I tied between the two previous just like my mom did, but I didn't. Another lie! Ha no that's just {}.

Chapter 4
Chapter 4
Chapter 6
Going to make it... to six laps around the block tomorrow. Add 2 each time, third day's the charm but Helen's boobs hurt today. Tey just hurt her from walking down the street, over the last modelo familia sixer but I got carried away at the pepperchini juice so it mostly made her sick. I hate that it bothers me so much. It's just when you have a strong idea about the world and people in general, it's just not okay to cheat on someone after five years, break up, never tell them, then talk as if they're just on a break from it all. And that's not over exaggerating and she says she feels bad about it and all. oh shit she texted me in next room I never came back she said pissing on the toilet while I rubbed her back. I was sorry but it wasn't enough. She can text George about it. I have work to do. She's not giving me all of her, so hopefully she'll crave it all the harder. Or it'll backfire and my worst fears were born in writing therapy, grew to be the size of velociraptors, and attacked me cause I was making homemade mcmuffins with their eggs.

Fucked her with a condom for once on the floor when my mom went to get her nails done and my dad was asleep> Happened before the oxygen tank so she played some latin stuff from her macbook off youtube. It's the mundane I'll hide in, cause the only real point I wanted to make in all this aside from making sense in an emotion sense I can no longer tolerate, need to move or evict via SWAT team and using this as a metric for escaping optimally, not too much not too little rage against the darkness of the night

she's a writer mad at me for writing as therapy not holding her ovulating. Sorry I'm crazy for snooping your phone but you're texting him as if ya'll are just taking a break while my dad's dying 24 7 in our face. I don't have the resources left to not be crazy said the 'WE CAN BOTH BE UNDERSTANDING' protest. I don't want you to read any of this since you thought it a waste of time to write this instead of song write. And you know what? I'll marry her if she's right, cause the wisest people seem about as terrible as this historically. And history's written by the winners, and there's no winners and losers in the relationship, while writing this from the winning perspective if winning meant you swoon swooped the girl out of a five year relationship, done more with her in the last six months than they've in a lifetime, and now SIX SIX SIX months deep and your dad's in his last weeks good luck.

I can take it, cause (and this relates to the YUGE POINT )

I never came back

and dad raised his salt n peppered buttermilk and we rose our modelos then dad said 'rage against the darkness of the night' with vigor. And that was the highlight of the day, the best moment. But today we were rich, there was another best moment. When a heated blanket came in and hours later my mom came in and read a note

Mr. Betts, you don't know me but I met your son on the train, he is brilliant, kind, funny, etc. You have done a great job bringing him up. I am sending warmth peace and love to your family! Lori Abbott.


I had my mom read it twice to hear the compliments back. Not that I'd usually do that, it's cause I'm not remotely to anywhere near feeling like myself for a while. This is a rebel gone rogue turned robot short circuited and hopeless tech romantic in cue for battlegrounds. I played a rogue and a druid, the only two classes that could stealth aside from night elves. And night elves couldn't move when they were invisible. So I went undead and tauren mostly. It's a glamorous life, ganking as an undead rogue everywhere you go. Ganking is rogue's territory. Other classes gank spree but non can touch the rogue. The rogue is the shadow brother of the bullet from a sniper's perspective. You have the jump. You control when they can move, slow, bleeding, stunned completely, asleep. When the going gets tough you vanise, so most proclaimed men drop out after cramp 7. I'm enlisted to dying a graceful death, another lyric he wrote but estranged cousin of that idea went die that traditional Amazoness death. tan that deck in Yu-Gi-Oh for a while. They throw you in a cage and women in their village line up to fuck you. And it's amazing for a while and you cum more than you've cummed and when they can no longer get your cum they all dogpile in and smohter yout with their stomachs, or arses and as Helen wouldn't say it's old language, brb pissing.

I had my mom read those compliments twice cause I was feeling weak atm (at that moment).

Just heard birds though it's the middle of the night. She told me to go to sleep but I really can't unless I stuff my face can't face the kitchen right now it's smoke time, will that change my mind? My heart speaks clear while my mind divides. Counting stars pissing off the back porch in the foggy nights watching the moon grow up and counting again the stars while simultaneously praying the end of counting. Cause what happened after counting? It's the apple from the tree, imagining a world everyone made the assumption there's an apple tree metaphor attached to each atom. But it's all about bosons in an age when it's all bosoms until serious trauma, like damage to your soul (permanent damage, souls don't heal by virtue of them being souls) and she may hate me for it and I should listen, cause a man can only really do things their woman supports to an extent, well should do. But I think I'm right in choosing to write! I can't sing in here though I really should be living in ableton instead of atom, the text editor for this. Doing it while doing this, this this this this this is just a way to move the muscles mind and magic... right michael? HELLOOOOOOO she went to bed pissed and I chose wrtiing bullshit at this point to contribute to that

but the only thing we should hashtag, climate change, another lyric of mine.

Spent the morning befor ethe cut elittle mayor's place after doing a shift on my dad I read her some old ubuntu laptop written story when I was training to chicago to stay with her sister's baby daddies armenian and I can make a lot of armenian jokes. akas adkasdk

so I was going to play a game

ways I escape
games this is a game list my games
game one listen to tape and write responses to my tape gates two sex game three love game four legacy of my dad

remind me of another dumb song I write that goes 'forgive and forget, forget to follow your dreams'

I am lost but I have found what it's like to live in your town